Of all the holidays, Christmas is certainly the most cinematized. And for every must-see Christmas classic, there are some really bad ones that end up in the stockings of the naughty boys and girls. For those naughty kids (you know who you are and you know what you did), here is your Christmas coal:
Santa Claus (1959)
This WTF Mexican movie dubbed in English involves the age old story of Satan vs. Santa... and Merlin the Wizard, too, for some reason. With the devil himself trying to shut down Christmas, Santa must rely on his cutting edge technology (mind you this is 1959... and Mexico) to defeat him. It is so crazy-bizarre that it still makes for a great watch in spite of its badness. For a little inspiration pop in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, sit back and take in this movie with all its cornball glory.
Santa with Muscles (1996)
Another hilariously-bad entry, this story involves an evil millionaire (Terry "Hulk" Hogan) who gets amnesia and thinks that he's Santa Claus. A real heartfelt story of a man who... holy crap is that Mila Kunis? I guess she applied to the Samuel L. Jackson school of take every MF'in role that comes your way... which actually seems to have paid off. Unfortunately her child co-stars were not so lucky as they've both gone mostly into voiceover work. As for Hulk Hogan, well his life couldn't be much more depressing either. At least he proved that pro wrestling isn't ALL fake; Hogan couldn't act his way out of an inverted figure-four ankle lock.
Santa Conquers the Martians (1964)
Much like the aforementioned Santa Claus, this movie has also been lambasted by the MST3K crew. But instead of Satan trying to foil Christmas, it's Martians who kidnap Santa Claus because Mars doesn't have their own jovial fat man to give presents to their own children. The year after this movie was made, spacecraft Mariner 4 was the first probe to land on Mars, but sadly did not find any little green men... or Santa for that matter. Considered the 80th worst movie of all time by IMDB, this movie will provide some laughs to fans of really bad movies... but that is it.
Jingle All the Way (1996)
Ahhh-nold stars as a devoted father who tries to get the season's hottest toy for his son. You know, back in the good ol' days when kids still wanted toys instead of $400 iPads. Co-starring 80's comedian Sinbad, as another father who wants the same toy, in his last (and first?) memorable movie which only happens to be remarkable because of how utterly bad it is. Shot in my home state of Minnesota, I thank the production company for the income... but chastise them for unleashing this movie on humankind.
Black Christmas (2006)
Now don't get this confused with the original 1974 version of this movie, that one was actually good! This unnecessary remake takes the same plot of a group of girls stuck at their sorority house over Christmas break and the psycho who is stalking them. Honestly the two movies aren't that far off in quality, but it's a lot more forgivable in the 70's than it is in 2006... plus the original gets points for, well... originality. Though it revolves around Christmas, this is NOT your typical Christmas movie, so be twice warned.
Christmas Evil (aka You Better Watch Out) (1980)
Another Christmas horror about a little boy who is traumatized when (spoiler alert) Santa is not real. He becomes obsessed in adulthood with bringing the Christmas spirit that he lost to the innocent boys and girls, but is met with cynicism by the public which sends him into a murderous rampage. Poor film quality and sloppy film-making make this nearly unwatchable... which explains why writer/director Lewis Jackson only has one other lonely associate producer credit in his movie career.
I'll Be Home for Christmas (1998)
Remember when Jonathan Taylor Thomas was in the same league as Jessica Biel? Yeah, me neither. Near the end of his stint on Home Improvement and as a kickoff to his illustrious (?) movie career, Thomas stars as a college student who finds himself at the butt-end of some college hazing and must now find a way home in time for Christmas. Leaving his girlfriend (Biel) stranded he must save her from the arms of a rival on his way home. And it's as BAD as this premise is cheesy. Not even good-bad. Just bad.
Four Christmases (2008)
Ok, so not the worst on this list, but it is just so hard to suspend disbelief long enough to believe that a bloated Vince Vaughn is dating the smokin' Reese Witherspoon. Not stuck in a marriage, mind you, but dating. In the movie they spend the holidays visiting each of their divorced parents while learning more about each other through the experience. Yeah. It's a boring, generic story with one flat joke after the next. A lot of people like it for its simplicity, but I prefer my movies (especially comedies) a little more thoughtful.
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